The Monkey's Cult

Headquarters · Established Chapter 1

Stop giving a monkey's about the wrong things. Officially.

You have 100 Monkey's Credits a day. The barista's tone, the unanswered text and the neighbour's hedge do not deserve them. Take the assessment, collect your member card, and join a cult that asks absolutely nothing of you. The duck is in charge.

Take the 5-minute assessment Begin induction
A narrowboat drifting down a misty river between olive reeds, with a duck riding on the roof
APPROVED
BY THE DUCK
Dedicated to the duck that saved me

The Quick Monkey's-Worthy Assessment

Form MC-1 · Chapter 2, Exercise 1

Rate each scenario on gut reaction alone, using the Official Monkey's-Worthy Scale. No overthinking allowed.

  1. 1Not Worth a Monkey's Uncle
  2. 2Barely Worth a Baby Monkey's
  3. 3Moderately Monkey's-Worthy
  4. 4Worth a Proper Monkey's
  5. 5Prime Monkey's-Worthy

Filled in with example answers so you can see how it works.

    Your total
    0/50

    Application for Membership

    Form MC-2 · Induction

    Membership is free, involves no rituals that are not entirely optional, and can be cancelled whenever you stop giving a monkey's about it.

    For your induction email and the occasional dispatch from HQ.

    OFFICIAL MONKEY'S CULT
    MEMBER CARD
    No. MC-00000
    Level 1
    This certifies that
    Your name here
    Is officially a
    Level 1 Monkey's Revolutionary
    Monkey's-Worthy specialisation
    To be decided over a cup of tea
    Things I no longer give a monkey's about
    1. Unanswered texts
    2. Other people's holiday photos
    3. The group chat
    MONKEY'S
    CULT
    HQ
    Member since Remember: Rules 1, 2, and you-know-what.

    Chapter by chapter

    Form MC-3 · Scan the code at the end of each chapter

    Every chapter of the book has its own code. Each one leads here, and each chapter's exercises will appear as interactive tools as they are released. The codes in your book will keep working.

    1. 1

      Why We Can't Give a Monkey's About Everything

      Choosing your path: Quick Win, Essential or Deep Dive

      Interactive version coming soon
    2. 2

      Identifying Your Monkey's-Worthiness

      Exercises 1–11: the Values Discovery series, starting with the Quick Monkey's-Worthy Assessment

      Take the Quick Assessment
    3. 3

      The Monkey's Credits

      Exercises 12–13: your Daily Monkey's Credit Budget and Exchange Rate

      Interactive version coming soon
    4. 4

      Monkey's Management for Your Personality Type

      Exercise 14: Identifying Your Monkey's Management Profile

      Interactive version coming soon
    5. 5

      Your Monkey's Journey So Far, The Road Ahead

      Exercise 15: The Monkey's Passport

      Interactive version coming soon
    6. 6

      Navigating the Monkey's Storm

      Exercises 16–22: the External Pressure series

      Interactive version coming soon
    7. 7

      The Inner Monkey's-Napping Critic

      Exercises 23–27: the Inner Critic series

      Interactive version coming soon
    8. 8

      Monkey's Fatigue

      Exercises 28–30: the Decision Fatigue series

      Interactive version coming soon
    9. 9

      Comparisonitis

      Exercises 31–33 and the two Self-appreciation exercises

      Interactive version coming soon
    10. 10

      Cultivating Monkey's-Worthy Goals

      Exercises 34–35: the Monkey's-Worthy Test and Filter

      Interactive version coming soon
    11. 11

      Building Positive Habits

      Your Official Monkey's Member Card

      Fill in your member card
    12. 12

      The Ripple Effect

      Spreading the revolution

      Interactive version coming soon
    13. 13

      Beyond the Monkey's Revolution

      Your next steps as a Monkey's Revolutionary

      Interactive version coming soon

    Your membership benefits

    Handbook · Chapter 11

    The Secret Monkey Handshake

    A completely unnecessary but oddly satisfying ritual involving three specific finger movements and an optional banana mime.

    The Emergency Monkey's Hotline

    A completely fictional phone number you can pretend to call when someone's trying to steal your Monkey's Credits. "Hello, Monkey's Evaluation Department? Yes, I've got a situation here..."

    The Monkey's Decoder Ring

    Instantly identifies UnMonkey's-Worthy situations when you twist it on your finger and feel absolutely no difference whatsoever.

    The Annual Monkey's Convention

    A gathering that definitely doesn't happen at a secret location. It cannot be found, located or attended, which makes organising the catering remarkably straightforward.

    Required reading

    Three books · One river
    The three covers: the Workbook, Why Should I Give a Monkey's? and Too Many Monkey's, each with a narrowboat on a misty river
    The handbook

    Why Should I Give a Monkey's?

    A proper guide to not giving a monkey's about the wrong things, and working out what actually deserves your Credits.

    Find it on Amazon
    The workbook

    The Workbook for Exercises

    Every exercise from the book, with tables and space to actually do them. Two copies of each, in case you want another go.

    Find it on Amazon
    The prequel

    Too Many Monkey's

    The true story behind the handbook: the year that giving too many monkey's nearly ended everything, and the duck that didn't let it.

    Find it on Amazon